Time, Money, Duties and Relationships, part 2: Money & Relationships

Money is something I’ve talked about before on my blog. It is probably where I struggle the most. I just don’t budget well. Food is a big budget-killer, as is lack of budgeting. I highly recommend Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace classes as a way to figure out where you are and get to where you want to be. This year we have made enormous leaps and bounds in that area, but we still have habits to form. I have attempted many times to implement the envelope system, but whether it is laziness or fear or confinement (which is an oxymoron here) I haven’t been consistent about the envelope system. I tried the virtual envelopes (Dave Ramsey has an ap for that) but I’m not cut out for it. What is actually helping me is using Rachel Cruz's (Dave's daughter's) "clip system," which is just tiny binder clips in different colors so that your cash is basically "filed" in different colors, denoting your spending category. I've used this the last couple of weeks with success. You just pull cash you have budgeted for the categories you normally overspend in. For me that's groceries, eating out, entertainment, and personal items. I have TONS of tiny binder clips in the cutest colors, if you want to get some from me for a few cents instead of buying a huge container. We have been so selfish and have a hard time telling ourselves “no.” While we are out of debt besides our home, and we are living within our means, we are not saving, and there is no excuse. There you have it. Both a confession and a goal. 

We have been teaching our children to avoid the pitfalls we fell into. Korbin has a checking account, and it is time we open one for Kailyn as well. I am compiling a list of jobs that can be done for money around the property, and Kailyn can take babysitting jobs. Korbin wants a job, and will be able to pursue that once his Eagle project is complete. Once the project is done, I’ll have the time to enroll him in drivers’ ed so that he can drive himself to work. I do have to think of myself and I’m already on the road more than I like.

Korbin has matured greatly this year. He sees the logical perspective and lends his support when he agrees with the principles. He thinks much in black/white. It either is or it isn’t. Gray areas are harder for him to navigate, but he is making progress here too. Since the weather has cooled down, he has been taking walks or runs outside. He is fun to talk to and I really like his opinions and his willingness to hear others’ opinions. Sometimes I can tell he forms opinions based on those of popular You Tubers. I like that he shares them with me, as it brings up opportunities to discuss those opinions and talk about deeper issues that he wouldn’t have the experience of years to consider. There are also times that I learn from him. He can come up with some concise explanations of things and put ideas together logically and even with humor. (He's hilarious, actually.) I don’t believe a young man needs to be with his mother most of the day. It really is time for him to focus on his future, whether that is to dive into his studies, find a passion, or keep busy with jobs outside, I don’t know. Too bad Dad doesn’t work from home in a way they could work together. Perhaps we can get to where there are plenty of things to do on the “farm.”

Kailyn is a great conversationalist. She has some lovely insights and I enjoy talks with her. At fifteen, she doesn’t always want to talk to me, but I think we are working our way through that. Fifteen is a hard age- a crux, if you will. For real. She is definitely on the upside of this, but we still have our moments. I think it’s often difficult for teens to think clearly or logically in the moments their emotions take over. She is wonderful and I love her big heart. She puts others before herself and thinks matters through, especially when her friends are part of the equation. I’m very proud of who she is and how she handles herself.

Lacey is very sensitive. She can be whiney and emotional. On the other hand, she can be super thoughtful and empathetic. When Kailyn cried recently after an emotional night, Lacey cried alongside her. (Chocolate fixes some things, as it did that night, along with a cozy talk with mom for both girls.) Sassiness has a way of creeping in at 10 years old (and sooner, really.) With Lacey, the key to working with her is gentle speech and really listening. She tends to feel unheard. I get that. Sometimes I feel ignored too. If you have ever sat in a group of people, made a suggestion, and been ignored, only to have someone else show up after the fact and make the SAME suggestion to a captive audience who raves about the brilliance of the idea, you would understand how that feels. I don’t know what it is, but there’s a tendency to feel invisible in certain situations. So if I take the time to listen to her, she feels validated and loves to help. I got pretty lucky in that regard with her!

Maddox is one of those kids who is often viewed as “too much.” He has a tendency to break nearly everything he touches. He jumps into action before thinking things through. He spirals into anger to deal with his frustrations. However, he has been a gift to me as a parent. He has stretched me and helped me to understand other children. Some of you may not realize I grew up with an aunt who was born with microcephaly and Smith-Magenis Syndrome. She had significant special needs. I have understanding for special needs kids; I have my whole life. What I’m talking about is strong-willed-bull-in-a-china-cabinet behavioral problem children. As a teen and young adult I was full of solutions. Living it is different. Each situation is different and I’ve learned to curb my judgement and pray for kids who display behavioral issues. Some of these kids have sensory issues, as does Maddox. 

Once sensory information has been evaluated, the child’s “type” should be assessed. I rely on typing my children and others. In my mind it is just a litmus test telling me their basic temperament. Their secondary type, or temperament is likewise important, because it will bend the primary type/temperament one way or another. Knowing your own type will give you the tools you need to come at this in a way that supports who you are.

Here is a brief description for the child and mom:

Type 1- fun-loving child, (bright & animated woman)

Type 2- sensitive child, (soft & subtle woman) 

Type 3- determined child, (rich, dynamic woman)

Type 4- serious child, (bold, striking woman)

To let you in on our family dynamic, here’s the description of us:

Jeff 4-3 (Primary 4, secondary 3)

Me 2-4

Korbin 4-2

Kailyn 1-2

Lacey 2-1

Maddox 3-2

We’ve got it down to ordering all 4 types in our family, (Jeff is 4-3-2-1, etc, but I digress…)

Looking at my family, you can see that all but Jeff have some strong tendencies toward softness/subtleness. This was God’s grace for me. While I can say I have all 4 types in the family, it is a much more subtle version of each type. They are all fairly quiet and calm. I’m not sure it’s all nurture- I believe it’s inborn. While the author of the program doesn't see these as temperaments, I disagree and believe they are. While other "personality" programs are great and fun, this system is far more reliable than any other I have found. (In my humble opinion.)

If you’re curious and want more information, take a look at Dressing Your Truth to learn more about the types. You can access The Child Whisperer from there, which has links to help you profile your child as well. (I do earn points toward products on the website if others follow my link. I have found lots of help understanding people from this site, although I do not ascribe to the author's theology.)

Knowing that Maddox is a determined child helps me realize that redirecting his fast forward motion is much more effective that stopping it. There is a song that typifies Maddox- “You Can’t Stop Me” by Andy Mineo. For real. He sings it every time it comes on. It’s like his anthem. 

Recently I felt like things had come to a crisis with Maddox. He had gotten to the point at den meetings that he would wander off, jump on chairs, talk over me, and throw chairs in anger. He wouldn’t listen to adults in many situations and I realized I had created a monster. Moms always see the sweetness of their babies, but I was seriously doing him no favors. Jeff and I discussed it and decided that on the night that the teens would be at an ice cream social and Lacey would be at a slumber party, instead of the fun we had planned at Main Event, he would have to stay home with Grandma while dad and I went on a date. He was shocked and sobered, but he took it well and it was a major step in changing his behavior. That night my friend Ann told me about “Parenting With Love and Logic,” a book I had heard much about but never picked up. I have finished it now, and it is really good. The principles within that book are helping me to truly let go of my kids’ problems and also gave me permission to enforce delayed consequences. I had heard in our “Growing Kids God’s Way” classes about giving the monkeys back to the kids (monkeys being the problem that belongs to the child) but I didn’t really grasp the concept. PWL&L gave me some examples of such problems and guidance on how to allow children to handle them on their own. In other words, give the children a safe place to fail. An example of one such situation happened when we camped with the Cub Scouts. At the end of the trip, Maddox had to fold his own tent. I had always done it for him. He was mad. He kicked the tent. He threw the tent. He waded it up. I detached myself from feeling on the matter. He had earned the tent himself in last year’s fundraising efforts. If he broke it, it would be broken. If he didn’t fold it, we would stay until he did. The key was to speak to him in a loving way and allow him to choose his own actions. He finally calmed down and asked for help. I helped with the first fold, instructed him on the second, and suggested he use tent poles to guide the rolling. He did it his own way. It didn’t work. I went to the restroom. (Kailyn and Lacey were there waiting in the car.) By the time I got back he had followed my suggestion calmly and put the neatly folded tent in the back of the car. Next trip he will either decide the tent isn’t worth it, or be prepared to handle it on his own. (He decided it wasn’t worth it.) This newfound confidence has spilled over into other areas. He is super willing to get chores done. I think he was feeling like the unappreciated and incapable youngest child. He is much sweeter and I am thankful Ann twisted my arm and made me get the book!

To add to the fun, I more recently got “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.” Just as good. The teen years are very different than the younger child years, and I highly recommend this book, whether your child is 11 or 25. It would have been nice to start with them. I could tell that my relationship was strained with my older kids. They knew I loved them, but I wasn’t allowing them the space to make their own decisions, which is not healthy. They need to do that in order to mature into adults that make wise decisions. I won’t attempt to make that clear here, but I highly recommend the book if you have teens.